Dateology

Do women really hate their friends' dates?

I was talking with my friend John about our mutual friend Leila and her boyfriend. Leila started to date Chris a couple of months back. They've been seeing one another quite a bit. He lives in New York so she's been flying there and he's been flying back here. They talk on the phone every day and I get the sense he is truly into her. But when I meet Chris for the first time this weekend, I am not too impressed.

"What is it," I ask John. "Is it me or is he really just not all that great?"
John laughs.  "What did you expect?" He asks. "What does it take for your friends' dates to be really great in your book?"

That's a good question that he brings up. Is it that no one is every going to be good enough for my friends?

It's not that, I realize. It's that some people, when you meet them, you immediately see a match. And with Leila and Chris--I simply don't. It's not there. Not one bit. Not at all.

John says no way. He knows plenty of couples that I would never put together but are doing just fine. "All my women friends don't like their best friends' dates." He says. "Maybe that's the same in your case."

I want to rebuff but I stop to think about it. Is that true? I guess I never really thought of which of my friends' boyfriends I like. But there were definitely a few. So it's not just that.  Maybe with years and experience we become more suspecting--especially since when things are done, we're the ones picking up the pieces that those boyfriends leave behind. 

What I realize is that in a way, from being my friends' cheer leader when  it comes to dating, I've become a cautious escort, walking one step behind them when it comes to the start of relationships. With every step they take and with every hesitation they express,  I ask, "are you sure? " It must be a strange shift for them. When they date we connect and bond over the excitement of potential. As soon as a relationship starts to form, that bond is changed--to some degree it may even be broken--and I take on a chaperon's voice.

My friends don't need me as their chaperon, that's clear. And no matter what, when they finally declare that this is the one, I'll be there with my metaphorical pompoms again.  I guess after so many disappointments, repeating patterns, and their own doubt at the start of the relationship, I may just be slower to warm up.

In the end, both Leila and I want the same thing: a certainty he's the right guy for her. As for my previous notion that when people are a good fit it just shows--well, I'll just have to keep it as a metric for my own match. Who's to say we all need to have the same "he's ideal" signs in mind?

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Thanksgiving--I'm recovering

Hello Dear Dateologers. How was your Thanksgiving? Did you have lots of turkey? Did you shop till you dropped on Black Friday? 

Mine was splendid: spent it with an international group of friends--each cooked a traditional dish. Have been stuffed for days. And still finding myself wiping baby-puke off my boots. Do these things ever come off? It's like pure acid, I swear. Won't be surprised if there are holes in the leather by now.

Have a fantastic start to the week!

Yours truly,

DG

Dates who look at someone else...while they're with you.

I find it funny that only Eugene commented on my big announcement--emotional abuse no more. I must be the only one who lets these kind of guys into her life. How sad. Or good for everyone else.

At any rate--I was at an ice cream shop today. I know--it was cold and all, but I had just had Chinese with Katy and Chinese makes me crave ice cream. Or diet coke. Whichever comes first. Since there was no diet coke on the table, I walked over to the ice cream shop (alone--Katy had to go home and sleep off a massive headache) and got me a cup of Valrehona chocolate gelato and sat down. A group of people came in--late 20's, early 30's--one of the guys stood a few feet away from his friends and sort of looked at me while he was also looking straight...know that trick? I began to wonder if he was even with the other people and quietly also thought--hm, he's good looking. Not bad at all. Maybe there is something to meeting people at food stores. Ice cream counts as food, right?  And just as he was taking another step closer, a cute blond girl turned around from within the pack and called his name, reaching her hand to bring him back. For a fraction of a second he looked straight at me and then moved closer to her. There was no doubt they were together--it didn't matter how stationary he stayed.

Honestly, I don't get these games. If you're with someone shouldn't he or she be the one you want to be with?  I mean, if you have eyes for other people, and you move in that direction, should you just do your current date a favor and call it quits?

It's one thing to ogle others: I have many married friends who agree that if Angelina Jolie shows up, all bets are off for either husband or wife--whoever gets there first. But in all other cases, if you don't want to be associated with your date and yet you go on--isn't that just plain wrong?

If you have thoughts on why people do that, do let me know.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Newsflash: Datingirl announces--emotional abuse no more.

I don't quite know how this happened: I'm a pretty strong woman, I'm self-aware, I've had my share of therapy hours, I'm a professional--not a loser by any measure.  And yet, looking back at my past relationships, I seem have collected my fair share of guys who applied one form or another of emotional abuse.  There was the guy who dumped me over the phone, the one who told me a year into our relationship he didn't think he was ever truly in love with me, the one who would give me the silence treatment every time we disagreed, the one who called me names, and most recently, there was the one who sweet-talked his way through only to chew me up and spit me out once I acquiesced.  And common to all? Each and every one of them came back at some point, asking forgiveness and to have another whirl. And you know what?  Silly me, I allowed them back in only to end up curled up in embryo position wondering how I let things happen again once they left. Again.

But enough is enough. Seriously. There comes a time when you have to take stock of your life and agree to put things behind you and start differently--start anew.  It's difficult, I'll be the first to admit. We develop such deep patterns and beliefs--at times not even knowing why we do the things we do. But there's a way. Awareness is a start, they say--and I'm here to say that self-compassion and drive are additional ingredients of change.

I've written down all those things that run through my mind: all the self-doubt, the words that come up when I think of being with someone who will not need to hurt or control me in order for him to feel strong. The reason we allow things that aren't good for us into our lives is that somewhere along the way (usually early on), we developed a skewed view of what's right for us.  As a child, my parents argued, and to me, my ear glued to their bedroom door, small moments of disagreements became war; my mother's raised voice a loud siren. Everything had a different magnitude and I, as a child, didn't know there was a range or that it would be okay the next day. And so to me, somehow that became an allowed form of abuse even though as an adult, I know know they had their way and in no terms was it abusive or malicious--they just didn't know how to communicate.

If you too draw to your life people who aren't good for you, think why you do that. Look back, notice the voices in your head. Where do they come from? Are they supportive or doubting? Are they helping or destructive?  If you were emotionally abused as a child, by the way, that's a whole different story--we are always drawn to the things that spelled love when we were children even if by objective measures they were terribly wrong.

In my case, I discovered I avoid being all that I am because I'm afraid somewhere along the way someone will call me a fake and others will believe. What if the queen is indeed naked, says a nagging voice in my head.

I'd like to remind both you and me that there is no standard "good." As long as you follow your dreams, do no harm, grow, evolve, share, love--you deserve to be here just like anyone else.  And when it comes to love, we all deserve the best. Whatever that means for each of us.

In retrospect, there were early signs that the guys I was dating would end up spelling emotional abuse.

Here are a few general signs:

1. He tells you his parents were emotionally abusive, and yet he relies on them for comfort (and laundry).

2. He tells you about his friends who all, strangely enough, have emotionally abusive relationships or past.

3. He starts off hot then gets cold with no explanation. When you say you don't understand or ask to talk, he avoids telling you what's going on even more. It becomes a patter: you ask, he doesn't reply.

4.  He holds back on the very things he knows you appreciate--like compliments, going to your parents', or even being on time.

5. He insults you in front of others.

6. He has no real friends.

7. None of your friends like him. I mean--none!

8. He tries to make you jealous by flirting with other women, being unavailable on weekends, or not answering his phone.

9. He criticizes the very things he used to love about you.

10. You just told him he hurt your feelings and he wants to have sex.

But really, it doesn't matter how many signs there are. If you are not in a place where you know you don't deserve to be abused, you will not disconnect when you should. The only way you know you don't have the emotional abuse bug is when you take action immediately at the onset of the first sign...and say  goodbye.

So I hereby declare that today is the last day of putting up with emotional abuse...of any kind. Dates, boyfriends, bosses, colleagues, friends. No more of that. Starting today, I will only let into my life those who can feel strong without having to put anyone else down--those who know they are fantastic as they are--weaknesses and strengths...and who want to share their lives with others like them.

If this at all resonates with you, I hope you vouch the same and join me on this path to change.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Why meeting guys at Whole Foods sucks (is there a doctor in the house?)

You guys know what I'm talking about, right?

Today I was at Whole Foods, pushing a cart with one hand, holding Peet's Mocha with the other when a guy made me stop.

As he was passing by me toward the prepared food, I found my gaze following him. First, I noticed his wide back in a heather gray short-sleeve shirt. Then that he was tall. And then, his hands--which were long and sort of in a naturally cupped position at his side. Oh- and he was wearing hospital scrubs. Thump!

I kept going shaking my head at myself. But when I came around the aisle I stopped again. There he was, collecting his wrapped lunch. He was in a hurry and his gaze on me brief.

Random encounters at a Whole Foods or any other store for that matter really suck. At least for me. I mean, unless you have all the time in the world to just follow the other person and comment on their choices of food--there's really no point.  And- who wants to do that anyway--it's a recipe for an immediate Stalker label that will never go away.  And what would I say to him? Oh, nice choice of chicken breast there. Or--Are you a surgeon? Three women in their 50's were already ga-ga-ing over him at the serving counter.

So I pushed my cart some more, aimlessly covering the chocolate aisle until my heart regained normal speed and my thoughts stopped beating down one another. It's ridiculous, I tell you. Besides, who's to say he's a doctor anyway. He could be a radiologist or worse--a NURSE! Now there's a thought to make me feel better about my failure to engage.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

About dating and performing

I haven't been posting much lately because I have two jobs right now.  The details aren't all that interesting. Suffice it to say it's taking a lot of time.

This weekend, I am in Vegas for an industry conference. Earlier today I stopped at the ladies' room where I was approached by a tall blond woman who has been wearing a strange hat and leopard-skin coat all day long (mind you, the rest of us are wearing suits or business casual attire).

"Hi" she says and offers a long arm and even longer hands.
"Hi" I say back and put my hands under the running water.
We start to chat. I really just want to get out of the ladies' but she wants to know what I do and how long I've been working for my company etc. Not only am I in a conference over the weekend--stuck in a dark hotel conference room, but now I have to talk more about work even in the ladies' room. She's nice enough, I tell myself, don't be such a grouch. As is customary, I ask her back what she does.  As she opens her mouth it is as if something in her switched and she gives me a perfectly delivered pitch. Perfect as in if you were on a stage and speaking do the deaf. She enunciates each and every word carefully, her mouth does these strange tense things--shaping rounds and lines on her face--and she speaks at about 150% of her speech's volume.

I listen to her and ask questions--realizing I'm exaggerating my own movements as I do so. When we finally say goodbye and I walk out, I have to admit it reminds me a bit of dates where we just try to say who we are so well that it looks a bit like we've put on a costume and a red clown's nose. We may not be as obvious in our practice, but I'm sure sometimes we can't help but sound rehearsed.  Which is the death of anything chemistry or romance.

The blond woman gave me her card as I existed the restrooms and pronounced:  "email me and we'll stay in touch!!!" But I'm pretty darn sure that biz card is somewhere in a Vegas landfill by now.  Who wants to hear that record again.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Rollcall

Last night I did the once a quarter search for Dateology. Just to see where we are. Here's where I found us...fun and--somewhat interesting. Thank you to my dear dateologers and to the blogsphere. If I get a better blog design to we get more plugins?

eHarmony blog  Apparently my eHarmony dating advice made it all the way there.
Rachel D's weblog Not sure what this is (Paris Hilton is there and so are words like media and sex) Well- might be just an SEO plot--but, we're there nonetheless. I'll take Paris Hilton's press any day. Well- maybe not.
Match.com Love Lessons from Dating Blogs
Ryan and Laura still have me on their blog even though neither are dating anymore. That's just so nice.
Magnolia has Dateology down tagged with "mind and spirit." Well, that's encouraging.
Our Charmed35--TJ, of course. Thank you my dear for your ever present kindred spirit.
Chez Cliff has us down as misc. favorite blog. Cliffee--C'est pas vrai! Misc?!?
Moxie's blogroll includes Dateology--one before last. Alas!
Blog Catalog- I was going to pass on this one but it actually had some cool entries.
Dredded One also has Dateology there...shouldn't our link be pink against that black?

And...who did I forget?

Thank you all. Truly.

What do guys really mean when they say they don't want family and kids?

Kerry from San Diego sent me an email with an important question. With her permission, I'm posting it here.

Dear DG,

I really enjoy reading your blog. I'm sure you get a lot of questions and but was hoping you'll answer mine. I'm 31 years old--for the past 5 months I've been dating a guy who is just turning 30. He's successful, professional, and just a nice guy. Everything feels perfect between us: we have amazing chemistry, we talk about everything, he is a total gentleman, and already is making plans for us for the new year. There's just one thing I'm not completely sure about--whenever I bring up family or kids (which I would like to have) he says he'd like them some day but not now.  He is very close with his family so I can't imagine this being a problem, but it's definitely not a topic he likes to talk about right now. I don't want to end the relationship just because he's not ready to have kids, but I also don't want to waste my time on a guy who is not sure he wants the same thing as me.

Thank you,

Kerry

Well, Kerry--thanks for the question and for allowing me share it on Dateology.

Here's the thing. When we break down your question, there are basically two things you can do. One, you can trust how you feel and everything that's great between you two and keep going hoping that one day, the right time will come for your boyfriend to settle down--that taxi light will turn on--and he'll take one look at you and say "yes! this is what I want!"  Or, two, you can decide here and now that family and kids are your top priority at this point in time and that you want to be with someone who's sure about wanting them too.

Neither of these options guarantee success and, in case it hasn't been clear--you, my dear, despite best efforts, are already involved.  I really can't tell you what to do but, whatever decision you make, I think there are a few things you might want to keep in mind:

1. It needs to be a decision that allows you to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship. If you choose to stay, you must be able to completely forget the fact he's not ready for family yet (or ever) and focus only on the great chemistry and connection between you two. If you don't--if you keep worrying and nagging about the family and kids thing every week--you'll drive him away.  Similarly, if you leave, you need to be 100% certain that it's the right thing and be completely positive that you'll meet someone else with whom you'll have just as "perfect" of a relationship. Otherwise, you'll spend the next five years wondering if you've made a mistake and that, as we both know, is a sure road to your personal hell.

2. You are 31. You are still young. You don't have to make a decision today, right now. The guy-- he's barely 30. If I haven't been clear--most American guys don't even bat the family eyelash until they're 35. Think of it as a sleeping gene. Or an ink cartridge you need to release from its vacuum seal before you can insert it in the tray. Until something hits him on the head, your great guys is simply not going to all of a sudden change. So most chances are, he can't even hear what you're saying and the more you push, the more you'll be hitting against a concrete wall and that's never very appealing. So take a deep breath and figure it's going to be 2-4 years in the wait. Can you do that?

3. There are no guarantees. Even if he says now that he wants kids some day, you first have to weather those few relationship storms and agree that you want to have kids with each other, right?  Sure, some couples know instantaneously they're meant for one another--but most couples need a bit more time before making such life defining decisions.

Keeping all this in mind, my advice is that you take a deep breath and wait a bit.  Focus on having a great time, get to know one another, explore all that's great, and ignore the long term discussion for now. This may be the guy for all you know--so let's first see how the relationship goes.

And, when you guys have had a chance to get to know one another a bit better and have developed trust and mutual respect, you could then ask him for advice on just how to deal with his sense of time when it comes to the question of family and kids.

Hope this helps, Kerry. Do let us know.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Dan- Take 2

So Dan and I met for lunch today. It's a beautiful Indian summer day in the city and there's no better spot than the Ferry building for some good conversation and fresh food. We sit down and catch up. Words flow, stories from the war zone which is work make us laugh--it's all very, well--nice. I keep the energy up by making fun of things--the melting chocolate, the birds hovering near by. Mostly I make fun of myself and my little idiosyncrasies. Dan is charmed by my not-so-charming side. The problem is, that even I get tired of entertaining myself and Dan is so even keel. I try to find the humor in things he says but there's none really. He's just a solid nice guy.

We finish our lunch, split the check, and walk to the parking lot. He escorts me to my car where we say goodbye. Cordially. "I'll call you next week," he says. "Okay," says I. And with that we part--I get into my car, put the key in the ignition and turn on the radio. For a second, I feel as if I had just arrived--no time has passed by. Is that the same song?

I don't know about you but I really like it when people I spend time with leave an impression. When I feel those minutes or hours you spent together changed you in some small way--even if it's just to say that you notice time has passed; that you were doing something else; that you have new thoughts in your head. Otherwise, I believe, time is just that--or worse--it's an empty space that sort of collapses upon itself once you pick up again.

Yours truly,

Daringirl

The written off are writing away

On Saturday I got a letter from a guy I dated briefly some 18 months ago. Of the people I dated in the past two years--this, was the last guy I thought I'd hear from again.

The letter came in a simple white letter-size envelope. My address and his neatly printed on it. The stamp affixed carefully exactly at the corner--two millimeters from the edge. I tear the side of the envelope and fish for the letter. It's a one pager. Printed and then signed by hand. He wants me to know he was thinking of me. He saw on Linkedin that I had changed jobs and wanted to congratulate me. He would have congratulated me earlier but he wanted to make sure I was first settled in my new position so he waited. And how am I doing, he wants to know. He understands I thought it was best we didn't stay in touch, definitely not after those few times he tried, and he understands I think that he had crossed many lines, but maybe he could explain--even though I said there's no need and that all was forgiven--just once more, what was going on in his life back then. Maybe then we could talk again? It's not that he expects to hear back, but he would certainly like to, if I desire, stay in touch somehow. If we could be friends, and he could come to dinner again, and explain.

I fold the letter and put it back in the envelope. Of all the people who could do some explaining--he's the one who ends up writing.  The one guy who turned out to be complete nut case--who, when I returned from a 2 week business trip (during which I would set an alarm clock so that I could call him exactly at 9pm his time, after his kids went to sleep), told me that he felt abandoned and rejected while I was away and that his therapist (whom he saw twice a week) suggested we take time apart. And that was, mind you, after we had been dating for maybe 6 weeks. Max.

I love the written word. I love good letters and men who are able to reflect. I love men who say "I'm a mess. I need to change." Or when they say "will you help?" I love them even more when they are able to say "I made a mistake." I still keep love notes and scribbles from each and every ex because it helps me remember that they were good guys on a journey like me. 

And so I'm take this letter as a symbol--a sign--that life's other mysteries are about to be solved. And if they're to be solved with a written word--let it be it. I'm ready. Bring it on.

Yours truly,

Datingirl