Dateology

Lesson 4: Let all eyes be on you!

When it comes to women, men typically like a pretty, busty, (naked), full-on, 100% pure original Woman. How do they know one? They know her when they see her, of course.

Men, you see, are visual creatures.
They want to see. They Need to see. They MUST see.

While a women busies herself with careful selection of seductive lingerie and a deep cleavage dress on which she spent way too much time and way too much money (but who cares because it makes her feel a certain tingly way and she just can't wait to see his face when he sees her)—the guy, who is enjoying her display of perfection, is already two steps (or two hours) ahead of her. In his mind’s eye, the whole ensemble is strewn on the floor—lingerie and all—as he, you see, is looking at the amazing, naked, all-woman on top of him, taking in every single frame of this apparition until her long arm reaches for the light switch.

Yes, men are very visual- and despite what they might think- they're no the only ones. Women, you see, are also visual—very visual, in fact—only in a different way.

When it comes to women, instead of being seduced by the nakedness of a guy and the image of him straddled between our legs, we are tempted, titillated, tantalized by him as a character—a persona—in our very own private story.

Think life-size Barbie and Ken in their own little pink doll-house. Here he is as a romantic suitor…here he is as the perfect boyfriend to introduce to our parents…and as a devoted father…and as a business man with a killer instinct and a passion for making the world a better place.

Women, you see, are seduced by the story; the character, the plot, the transformation the hero (our hero!) goes through. In every woman’s story, her Man must display a Manly behavior and have the right look—a look easily achievable with some consideration of his exterior appearance and his behavior.

Here he is wearing a comfortable cashmere and holding our baby. Here he is in a nice tweed jacket and crisp white shirt shaking her dad’s hand just before sitting down for dinner (yes- he lightly pulls at his pants before he sits). Here he is in a board meeting, standing at the head of the table, pounding his fist on it—his forehead wrinkled with passion and anger. He's wearing a blue-stripe suit—the one we bought together at Bergdorf…awe. Look- one board members rises to his feet and claps…so do the rest. Our man stands there firm and humble—all ours to be proud of.

You might think looks are immaterial. “If that’s all a woman is looking for, then she’s not for me,” you might be saying this very second.  Women think the same way, you know. “If all he wants is big boobs, then he can go date her,” we say as we nod at the ubiquitous fake blonde with big breasts at the bar.

Men are so innately visual that they don’t realize just how quickly they judge women based on appearances. “She’s a dog!” you say as you turn away from a woman. “She’s hot!” you say and all eyes are on her. You guys rely on short three letter words to determine whether you’ll approach a woman or not.

On the ladies’ side, we’re not far behind you. Whenever I sit down with friends for a happy hour, the men-rant is inevitable. “There aren't any handsome guys here...” one will start. “And they’re so boring!” another will continue. And what do you know, as soon as a well-dressed guy walks in, all of a sudden, heads perk up, necks stretch and a certain "Je ne sais quoi” energy oozes out of our table.

A Man (capital M) knows all that, of course.  He knows that he may not have the 100% full-on throttled sex-appeal, but that's just a technicality. He may not be the smartest or richest or drive the coolest car- but that’s all secondary in this early phase because, he know full well, God has made him a Man and it’s all about making sure women know that. So he communicates his God-given Manliness by catering to the style-craved eyes of women…at least just enough to get the attention of the woman he likes so that he and she might get past the initial superficial assessment phase (where it typically ends for most of you) and move on to discovering the real personalities behind appearances.

A Man, you see, knows what women want and he takes joy in giving it to them. "If it’s about appearance," he says to his reflection in the mirror, "let it be about appearance." And he proceeds to choose his clothes carefully—even those supposed casual attires—because he knows, all too well, there's no such thing as casual attires when it comes to Women.

And if he has no personal sense of style, like most guys, a Man (prepare to gasp)- asks for advice. And not from the 19-year old sales clerk at Nordstrom's. No. A Man turns to the most consistently stylish Woman he knows, humbly lowers his head and says: "I realize that I may need to update my style so I can walk among you Women again. I think I need a new wardrobe. Will you please help me?" And, when she cracks a smile and raises an eyebrow, you add: "money is no object!" and you watch that stylish Woman as she smiles wider showing a row of little pearly whites that sparkle almost as brightly as her beautiful eyes.

And after you've visited all those shops, tried on everything she pulled out for you, let her decide on those must-have items, had them tailored to fit just right, you put on one of these carefully-selected new ensembles and walk into your favorite women-watching hangout. Instead of rushing to get your beer, you stand at the door for a moment and take in all those beautiful, sparkling eyes which are looking just at you.  And if you keep real quite, you might even hear an "awe" or two.

"Here he is the very first time our eyes met..." one of us might be sighing,
"here he is walking over to our table...
here I am getting ready to be swept off my feet...
here is the Man I've been waiting for..."

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Lesson 3: Three words- Consistency, Consistency, Consistency

It used to be the M-word that my guy friends dreaded. “If she brings up the M-word," I remember one telling me—perspiration collecting on his prematurely balding head, "I’m out!”

For the 30-something generation in which men and women are equally career driven (or equally not), women can have babies on their own, and men end up in heated rooms in pretzel positions to get closer to their feminine side, the M-word, so it seems, comes much too soon for many. With divorce rates near the 50%, we're not even sure we know what it means any more.

Whether you realize it or not, my generation--the 30-something singles of the Western culture--is in transition. No- transformation. We are reinventing ourselves as we go--some by design, mostly by sheer luck, a touch of osmosis, and a cupful of momentum.

But you know what? That's ok, everyone. Because when in doubt, we go back to basics, right?

So we’ve taken a few steps back in the alphabet ladder and ended up all the way back in the letter C. Now, the C-word used to be very simple back in the days when Marcia wore a flowery apron over her pastel dress and Hank worked at the Ford Motor factory and drove his Cadillac. But for our generation, it seems much more appropriate that the C-word isn't about Commitment (isn't this what you were thinking?) but about…drum roll…you ready?...more drum roll....CONSISTENCY.

Yup. C-O-N-S-I-S-T-E-N-C-Y.

To my mind, that’s the real essence of our reinvented ABCs and a building block of relationships.

Now I’m not saying Commitment isn’t important…but it comes much later, don’t you think? Like somewhere closer to the letter Z for "Zee One" or at least by O (for "Oh My God, I can’t believe how lucky I am!" of course).

Remember Mr. CEO? The “consistently inconsistent” non-date date? He was consistent alright- but in all the wrong ways.  He was consistent in making plans only to break them. He was consistent in saying he’ll call at a certain time only to call two or three hours later--one time he called five weeks later. He was consistent in his chase, at times seeming like a Datingirl addict, driving by my house as he left angry messages on my machine: “are you ignoring me?!?” and looking for me at the Cafe's near his house on weekends. Now imagine I had known to look for Consistency back then...

And there was The Ex too who, consistently, said the right thing but as soon as it wasn’t about him, he couldn’t follow through. “I want you in my life, as a friend—wherever it leads remains to be seen,” he said in our last batch of communication right after he broke up with his girlfriend. Then, when it seemed it would take some effort to earn my trust again, he disappeared. With the lesson of Consistency earned through hard labor--but fully under my belt--there's obviously no way in hell he will ever make it into my life again.

And then there are the good examples I always go back to. Like my very first boyfriend. Over a 3-year period we must have broken up four times. Each time we sat and talked about our relationship and each time he was there- attentive and caring. We always found enough good in the relationship to get us back together…smarter, more mature, more in love with one another. And- there was always the make-up sex that followed. Can't beat that.

Consistency is also (and maybe first and foremost) important in friendship. And women in their 30s—and you know this already—have gone through enough crap to realize that it would behoove them to make sure their partner is capable of being a friend first before jumping into a relationship with him. So they look for Consistency.

Consistency can go a long way. Think of some of the sweetest memories you have of people. Maybe it's the time when you drove over to your girlfriend’s house after midnight and the two of you snuck out for a ride in your daddy's convertible? Or maybe it's about your best friend who always called you when he was in trouble?

Whatever it may be, Consistency brings with it stability and grounding and predictability. It creates a framework of expectations within which the sky is the limit.

So you met someone nice? Someone you’d like to get to know better? Make sure you are consistent in your behavior (or figure out what prevents you from it). Call when you say you’d call. Arrive at the time you scheduled. If you’re a good communicator, be one throughout—even in tough moments. Ask her what Consistency means to her; how it shapes her perception of people. You might learn very important things about what makes her happy and what pushes her away. Assuming you actually like her, that should give you plenty of reigns to see if this relationship is right for you. In the very least—you'll make a really good impression on her girlfriends.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Lesson 2: A Man isn't born- he's made

"Some guys just have it in them," I hear both women and men say.

"They're born someplace exciting and romantic- like France or Italy."

"They've got that Clark Gable look."

"They're tall."

"They're wealthy."

"They had a good role model growing up."

"They've got the right last name."

People have different ideas on what makes a Man.  Often, we confuse external factors as being innate, hard-coded qualities. But a Man, you see, is not born. A Man is made.

Think of a baby. Any baby.  A day old baby. He's all wrinkled and surprised by the world around him. He eats, poops, sleeps, cries. That's it. At three months he smiles, reaches for his mommy, maybe stays up for a bit longer between naps. But in the end- he still eats, poops, sleeps. Basic human needs. As you think of babies- can you tell which will turn out to be a real Man versus the one who'll turn out to be a wimpy chicken, an awkward seaweed noodle, or a butt-up-head-in-the-sand Ostrich?

Didn't think so.

Man are made. Not born.

True- the foundation can be placed very early in life as a result of the home's influence and our natural tendency as children to learn by osmosis and by imitating--modeling--others. But just like we absorb early childhood influences unconsciously, we can teach ourselves how to consciously absorb other, chosen influences.

You can become anything you want. That includes being a Man.

Think back to a time when you really really really wanted something. You wanted it so much that you couldn't think of anything else. What did you do?

If it's something you wanted to do- like to speak another language, you probably took classes, read books, joined a conversation group, maybe even traveled to a different country for language immersion.

If it's something that you wanted to be--like a good partner in a relationship, or a parent--you spent some time going inward and figuring out what it would be like if you were a good partner or a good parent. You tried to analyze what was preventing you from being one. Then you read some books, talked to people, maybe went to counseling. You started to identify others who are really good at it and tried to learn what it is that they did to make them successful- you modeled their behavior and tried it on for size. You tried out different things and saw what worked for you.

Learning how to be a Man is just like learning how to be a good parent or a partner. It is an element of your identity that you wish to acquire, activate, express. You can read about it, watch as many awwwwe-inducing movies as you can (here's one to get you started, and another, and another), ask women who they consider a Man and why. Know someone that women consider a Man? Try to identify what it is that they do and try it on. It might be fun.

Whether a thought comes first (I'm a Man!) or a behavior (you behave like a Man) is irrelevant- in the end, if your mission is to become a Man- with enough practice, you will internalize both.

So ask yourself- do you really want to be a Man? if so, park your ego in the handicap space for a while and go do your research. Remember- Men aren't born- they're made. You all have equal opportunity rights on this one. Now go claim yours for Godsake.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Lesson 1: What you think you are- is true

Quick- in one sentence, describe who you are.

Ok- time's up. Wha'dya get?

I am a 35 year old businessman from Texas living in NYC?

I am an attorney by profession but an artist inside?

I am a student, I have three sisters and my folks live in Texas?

Whatever you came up with, I bet you it doesn't include the very basic fact that you are also- a Man.

By definition- our perception is reality. No two people see, think, feel the world around them in the same way. And the same goes for internal frame of reference. What you think is all there is. That includes what you say and think about yourself- but also, and very importantly- what you don't say about yourself.

So if you want to start taking that itty-bitty baby step towards Manhood- start thinking of yourself as a Man.

As we begin on the road to reclaiming your Manhood, here's your mission, should you choose to accept it:

For today--the whooolllle day--remember you're a Man. Before you pick up the phone to call someone, put your right hand just below your pecs (five fingers under the heart) and say out-loud- "I'm a Man." Before you get to that cashier at the supermarket- say to yourself "I'm a Man."  By the way- don't even think of trying this on women just yet- you're not there yet. Not even close. Try it around other men (chickens, whales, ostriches, etc) and notice the affect you have on these non-Men men.

If you feel silly--embarrassed--realize that that's exactly the problem. If you were truly living as a Man, you would have no problem saying it.

Small steps. Big progress.

By the way- feel free to turn this into a daily ritual. Say it when you get out of bed, just as you place your feet on the floor. Say it as your buy your Latte. Say it as you walk the dog. As you go to sleep. Say it. Your brain is listening.

Yours truly,

Datingirl