Dateology

Why eHarmony is a good thing

It has been four months that I've been on eHarmony and today--I am taking stock.

Ten reasons why eHarmony was a really good thing:

1. It helped me get The Ex blanket off of me and step outside. Just a few days ago at a party, a mutual friend asked me about him. "Have you seen E? Our friend asked. E who? Oh...The Ex. Nope. Haven't. Quickly checking inside--no feelings whatsoever. Nice.
2. It showed me just how many great guys are also looking. Right for me or not, it's not such a dry desert after all.  It gave me a perspective and reassured me that there are options. Lots of options. And all each of us needs--is just one.
3. The structured communication process gave me a way to have more meaningful first dates in which I could communicate with a guy without him turning into a puddle (because a. "you're so intimidating" or b. "you're just too beautiful").
4. It definitely led to a few good belly laughs (remember the dolphin?!?) and to precious moments of sharing profiles on the phone with my brother and his wife or with a close friend.
5. It helped me understand more about the dating-mankind. From your obsession with sports, to how you need to organize yourselves in a few categories for safety, to choosing terrible pictures. Men, I've learned, are often their own worse enemies when it comes to putting themselves forward.
6. Being committed to doing things seriously--to filling out the profile, looking at each match carefully, communicating with care--helped me feel that I was actively participating in finding the right guy for me. No more sitting at a cafe with my friends and passing complaints. I took action. That I didn't find the right guy is true--but I gained a sense of control over my dating life and regained my optimism that everything will work out just right again.
7. I can now tell my parents I've done my part.
8. I can now tell my brother I've done my part.
9. I can now tell myself--I've done my part.
10. And- rolling in guys' words, flipping through the pictures, reading between the lines, inspired me to think and write again and to have fun.

And now that it has been four months (FOUR months?!?), I'm feeling good:  I'm on my feet, head screwed on just right, my step is light.  It has been a great experience...but, as with many such explorations, there comes a time to move on. And so with that--on my other monitor, I'm hitting the "Close" button once more--this time, for my eHarmony account.

Sometimes we just need a little support. This was mine. If you're seriously looking for that someone-- do whatever you need to do. Break your own "I would never" rules. Get online, go out to events, tell your friends you're ready. I didn't for the longest time and it didn't serve me well (although it did give me the illusion of an ego intact).

No matter what, never lose your faith that things will work. Your good energy, your optimism, your lack of attachment to results, and your openness to trying, are likely to bring you much closer, much sooner, to the right one for you. And- think of all the journey stories you'll be able to share...

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Lessons from eHarmony for guys: #3- Get some good pictures, for crying out loud!

Seriously. Do you really think that picture of you in front of your bathroom mirror, wearing a wife beaters--or worse--a suit (!!!)--is going to do it for us? How about that picture with the dolphin? (Still not over that one.) Or you as an ant in the snow? C'mon.

Guys, we just want to see you. We want to look at your face, pretend we're not looking at your body, and be able to create a story about who you are. If we can't (and you don't have a mind-blowing profile to balance, which, you rarely do I regret to say) it's not likely you'll stay around for long. And that's too bad because you may be the nicest guy ever. You just chose sucky pictures.
Here's how you can help us:

1. Give us a close-up so we can see your face. We really like good eyes. 'Eyes are the window to the soul', etc. I don't know what you've heard women say--but in the end, we care. Make it natural--not posed in some sterile studio--so we can get a feel for your true features and recognize you when we finally meet you.
2. An upper body (or full body if you must) so we can get a sense for your proportions. And I don't mean this in the guy way...ahem. What I mean is that women really like to feel comfortable around a guy's body. Most of us don't like to feel like we tower over you or can squeeze you to death if we ever end up in bed together. It's a primal thing, let us have it, ok?
3. And speaking of proportions--how about perspective? Let us see you in an environment so we can tell more about your frame and body language. Bathroom door and sink do not count. Try a recent picture of you at a house party or standing next to one of those silly globes at Crissy Field.
4. Not sure you're the most attractive lad in the eHarmony bubble? No problem. Here's a secret I just learned: one sure way to combat this minor shortcoming is to share a picture--a happy picture--with a good looking (yet normal!) woman friend. Michael from San Francisco did that and boy did it make an impression. She looked smart, professional, and kind. From "eh, he's ok" I heard myself go to "awww...he's a nice guy." Just like that. There's something about a guy who is liked by self assured, professional, good looking women that gives you a look-pass. Oh yeah--please label picture with: "me with my friend (insert name or location)." That'll suffice. Good going, Michael!
5. One picture is not enough. We can't really tell much from a single picture. And by the way--so far, most of those sucked. We're women. We need to think about things. To see you in different lights. Give us at least 3-5 (but please, no need for 15).
6. Oh yeah--baseball caps, sunglasses, megaphones, turkey hats, ski masks are all ok...I suppose--just not on every picture. If you must do the little costume show--go for it. But please balance with ones where we can actually see you.

Ladies, anything else I may have left out?

Gentlemen--we thank you in advance...

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Lessons from eHarmony for guys: #2- Be Honest

I'm amazed at people who think they can hide who they are on eHarmony. I'm sure it is true for both genders (my guy dateology readers can confirm or correct) but it's just mind-blowing what guys think they can get away with sometimes.

Brian from San Francisco wrote he's 6'1". But one look at his pictures and I can tell there's no way he's a hair above 5'9". He wants to communicate via Fast Track. Fine- works for me. After a few "how are you's," and the mandatory "so how do you like eHarmony so far," I email him: "Are you really 6'1"? A few convoluted communications later (in which he chastises women who care about height), he reveals he's 5'8". And a half!. Seriously, Brian. Did you really think you'd grow a couple of inches by the time we met?  I say thank you and Close.

Adam from Oakland has a super nice profile. I like how he thinks and what he writes. We go out a couple of times. On our first date he constantly reach and touch his stomach with his hand--I'm guessing nerves. But on the second date, he is still doing that--even while driving. Finally I ask him if everything is okay. Apparently he has a serious medical condition and he has to activate a pump that shoots some kind of meds into his abdomen. When  was he planning on telling me, I ask, "when we're married?" he replies. Close.

But I'm giving you extreme examples perhaps. There are also the run of the mill examples I'm sure you've all encountered. They've become more like white lies: there are the pictures from years gone, or the ones with the cropped out soon-to-be ex-wife (which wasn't a detail on the profile); there are the guys who actually want only a Catholic girl, or those who are over their ex-girlfriend ("really!") but still talk about her within the first few minutes of a conversation. I'm sure you have your examples too.

Bottom line is that Online dating is difficult as it is. Your mom would never let you go out with a total stranger you met online. You have to trust that the other person is real, that what they say is true--you sort of put your faith in people's intentions and hope that you both share the same purpose.

So think carefully about what you say and how you present yourself. I don't know about my female Dateologers--but to me, honesty and integrity rank just as high as 'has a heartbeat' when "till death do us part" is concerned. Besides, we're bound to find out all the mismatches soon enough--which would send you straight down from wherever you were to a disappointment laden square one. Why not start from a place of empowerment and build it from there?  We'll all encounter people who won't be a good fit--by twisting the facts you're only prolonging--but not eliminating--that moment of truth.

So how can you communicate honesty? Here are a few starter points:

Write a great profile: This is your admission ticket. Don't just put those silly bullet points--go all the way out and be funny and kind and thoughtful. Show us your heart, let us into your mind, and trust that we're going to see you through the words. More on how to stand out in your profile here.

Put up a representative picture: We're going to find out what you look like sooner or later, aren't we? If you must, don't share it until later--we found the "ask for picture" button just as quickly as you did.

Strategize what information you're sharing: It's always better to under-promise and over-deliver. There's nothing like saying "I loved his profile but his pictures are so-so" and then discover that not only your mind rocks but that you look descent too.

If you are dealing with a serious issue, it's ok to let us know: One guy's profile said he was just getting over his dad's passing. It a short sentence, he said what he missed most about him, and then moved on.  I'm not saying to give us a sob story--just to touch on the real you, right now, in this world.

Have fun with who you are: Seriously, if you're in your 30's and on eHarmony--life has to be at least a little amusing. Stop taking yourself so seriously--laugh a little; tell us a good story, talk about the goof in you (we like that)! It's important to build credibility and demonstrate you're a serious guy but at the same time, we already know you're not perfect, so why waste time?

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Lessons from eHarmony for guys: #1- Stand Out

Three hundred and ninety six closed matches, thirteen closed communications, and three active matches under above my belt, I feel I've pretty much got the gist of the eHarmony experience--at least from a girl's perspective. And guys, if I may--there are a few things you should know.

First, women probably close too many matches much too soon, simply because of your profile or pictures. Second, I'm here to tell you that it doesn't have to be this way. Really. So. In the next few posts I will be sharing with you my thoughts about what works and doesn't work in your eHarmony profiles. I mean, there's really no reason to have such terrible profiles. You MUST be better than that. Think about it: we all want you to be the most prefect YOU so that we can all get off this online dating thing and get busy dating YOU. Got it? Good. Here we go.

Lesson #1- Stand out of the category

I wish you could see your profiles all in one place. If I could, I'd print them out and post them on a big wall someplace where you can all see them. You'd take one look and I bet you'd turn white. Even to the inexperienced eye, a disturbing trend will quickly appear. Gentleman, I truly regret to inform you, you guys have managed to fit most all of you into--drum roll--a neatly organized sum of 5 categories.FIVE.

Here's the basic breakdown:

1. The sports fanatic: these are guys that respond to each and every profile question eHarmony asks with some kind of a sports related answer: "I'm most passionate about football, baseball"..."what matters to me most if football and baseball"..."the people who mattered to me most are my baseball coach and my football team"...you get the point, right? I don't know if you think that's attractive or you want to let us know we won't be seeing you during playoffs--either way, when we look for a life partners, that's not the information we need to know or care about. You can love sports as much as you want--but can we please first get to know you as a person? There's got to be something other than ESPN viewing patterns you can share.

2. Close but different: The Physically Active: living in the Bay Area comes with a 90% guarantee you'll rate super high on physical activity level.  Therefore, letting us know that yes, you are very fit and athletic is ok. Most of us prefer guys who take care of their bodies: we like your muscle definition, your tan bodies (but also that you wear sunscreen), that little white bar on the ridge of your nose from those biking Oakley's you wear. Having said that, please also remember that there's more to life than running, biking, swimming, and "being outdoors." And that the question "what can't you live without" wasn't there for you to answer with "nature, outdoors, biking, running." Honestly.

3. The Artist: There are two kinds of artists: the moody, depressed, emotional guy who posts multiple pictures in front of a dark mirror looking like Nick Cave in his worst blue era--or the happy, rock band type who just can't wait to show us a good time with his band.  I love an artistic spirit. In fact, attention to style and aesthetics rank very high in my book, but at 30 something I'm not really looking to hear about your desire to take me out to the beach and play the guitar until dawn...nor am I interested in listening to Nick Cave CDs on your boombox. Sorry to be harsh--but don't you think we're past high-school now? Get a grip:  you can be an artist and have a life. Now go change your profile.

4. The Workaholic: These are the guys who answer questions with answers that have to do with their job, making money, and organizing finances.
eHarmony: List 3 things you're most passionate about
Guy: "My work, making money, managing my staff."
eHarmony: List 5 strengths
Guy: "Organizing my finance, Planning ahead, Making money..."
Or something along those lines.
The good thing is that you have realized that many of us really want a reliable, solid, stable guy. At the same time, please keep in mind that most of us also want someone with a soul and a heartbeat--and these don't come on a balance sheet. Besides, we sort of want to hear you care about women--us--too and that you won't be in the office till the wee hours of the night. So being successful and accomplished is good--making it the only thing you think about--not. 

5. The Spiritual Explorer/Yogi: I must admit this is my favorite worst category. Here you are, in your mid to late 30's (sometimes, eHarmony throws a curve ball and you're 56) and you are seeking enlightenment and awakening. You travel to India and go to Harbin on a regular basis. You have a guru you study with, you've relinquished all material attachments, and oh, by the way, you used to be an attorney but that was in another life.  You have shaved your head (or are simply balding): it is a perfect shiny egg. You wear a white or a green t-shirt, you are always smiling a big smile, head tilted to the side, behind you a lush nature scene (Tibet?). And, of course, there's the obligatory picture of "me and my meditation group in Nepal."
I don't quite know what to advise you. Maybe just to say that enlightenment and spiritual awakening come in many forms and shapes--and that you may just find your Basheret right here on earth...if you just stayed here long enough.

There are also smaller categories... there's The Modern Jock: the category that gets me fuming the fastest...the I Have Nothing Meaningful to Say category...and of course the all-time favorite I Don't Know Why I'm Here category.

What we're looking for, dear online dating Dateologers, is someone who stands out. Someone who has the basic qualities a 30 something should but that isn't only this or that. Most women in their 30s have dated quite a few guys, they've had meaningful relationships, they broke some hearts and had their broken too. They know to look past the bullshit and the facade. By definition of our gender, we read between the lines, we look for what you're not saying, and we think twice of what you are saying.

So. How can you stand out?

First, fill out your profile for God sakes!  You're given a certain number of words--a space to tell us who you are. So don't just put 3 words as an answer. We can't really tell anything from it. You're wasting our time and yours. If you don't feel comfortable sharing more than "Water, Sun, Food, Air" about things that are important to you, maybe online dating isn't right for you to start with. Because you know, at some point, we'll be exchanging emails and maybe even meeting--which means, we'll need to have a conversation! How about we start with your profile?

Second, Instead of trying to sound "normal," try to just sound like you. With 30 plus years of life on this plant, you must have had some great experiences. What have you become? What's important to you? What have you seen that inspired you?

Third, don't take yourself so seriously. You know any pretense is going to fall apart anyway when we spend some time together. Use your sense of humor, be a goof, show us that you're human: you have some great things about you and also, like the rest of us, there's room for growth.

Fourth, if you must think of categories, think of them in terms of qualities. What are the top 3-5 qualities you have as a person? Are you thoughtful? Are you caring? Are you efficient? Use these to guide your answers and to show us who you are as a person.

Fifth, take a stand. If you're super flexible, don't also try to seem like you can be rigid. If you care about having kids, don't tic "maybe" next to that option. A great profile I read said "I'd really like to have kids of my own but I realize that statistically, at my age, I may encounter women who already do or that simply don't want to have children of their own...or any at all. That's ok. As long as we can talk about it, as long as we can make that decision together and we're a good match, we'll figure things out. I'd rather have the best partner and friend at my side than a mom to my kids." Crystal clear.

Sixth, use a nice set of pictures, please. No dolphins, no me-wearing-goggles-skiing-down-a-mountain, no me-during-prom-year pics. Lose the sunglasses, get close to the camera, take a natural pose and voila. If you must, must, must put up a bare torso--fine. Just make sure there are other pictures that also show the rest of you. 

We can get into many more details on eHarmony profile do's and don'ts but how about we start with these?   We really don't like hitting that Close button so many times.

Yours truly,

Datingirl