I don't quite know how this happened: I'm a pretty strong woman, I'm self-aware, I've had my share of therapy hours, I'm a professional--not a loser by any measure. And yet, looking back at my past relationships, I seem have collected my fair share of guys who applied one form or another of emotional abuse. There was the guy who dumped me over the phone, the one who told me a year into our relationship he didn't think he was ever truly in love with me, the one who would give me the silence treatment every time we disagreed, the one who called me names, and most recently, there was the one who sweet-talked his way through only to chew me up and spit me out once I acquiesced. And common to all? Each and every one of them came back at some point, asking forgiveness and to have another whirl. And you know what? Silly me, I allowed them back in only to end up curled up in embryo position wondering how I let things happen again once they left. Again.
But enough is enough. Seriously. There comes a time when you have to take stock of your life and agree to put things behind you and start differently--start anew. It's difficult, I'll be the first to admit. We develop such deep patterns and beliefs--at times not even knowing why we do the things we do. But there's a way. Awareness is a start, they say--and I'm here to say that self-compassion and drive are additional ingredients of change.
I've written down all those things that run through my mind: all the self-doubt, the words that come up when I think of being with someone who will not need to hurt or control me in order for him to feel strong. The reason we allow things that aren't good for us into our lives is that somewhere along the way (usually early on), we developed a skewed view of what's right for us. As a child, my parents argued, and to me, my ear glued to their bedroom door, small moments of disagreements became war; my mother's raised voice a loud siren. Everything had a different magnitude and I, as a child, didn't know there was a range or that it would be okay the next day. And so to me, somehow that became an allowed form of abuse even though as an adult, I know know they had their way and in no terms was it abusive or malicious--they just didn't know how to communicate.
If you too draw to your life people who aren't good for you, think why you do that. Look back, notice the voices in your head. Where do they come from? Are they supportive or doubting? Are they helping or destructive? If you were emotionally abused as a child, by the way, that's a whole different story--we are always drawn to the things that spelled love when we were children even if by objective measures they were terribly wrong.
In my case, I discovered I avoid being all that I am because I'm afraid somewhere along the way someone will call me a fake and others will believe. What if the queen is indeed naked, says a nagging voice in my head.
I'd like to remind both you and me that there is no standard "good." As long as you follow your dreams, do no harm, grow, evolve, share, love--you deserve to be here just like anyone else. And when it comes to love, we all deserve the best. Whatever that means for each of us.
In retrospect, there were early signs that the guys I was dating would end up spelling emotional abuse.
Here are a few general signs:
1. He tells you his parents were emotionally abusive, and yet he relies on them for comfort (and laundry).
2. He tells you about his friends who all, strangely enough, have emotionally abusive relationships or past.
3. He starts off hot then gets cold with no explanation. When you say you don't understand or ask to talk, he avoids telling you what's going on even more. It becomes a patter: you ask, he doesn't reply.
4. He holds back on the very things he knows you appreciate--like compliments, going to your parents', or even being on time.
5. He insults you in front of others.
6. He has no real friends.
7. None of your friends like him. I mean--none!
8. He tries to make you jealous by flirting with other women, being unavailable on weekends, or not answering his phone.
9. He criticizes the very things he used to love about you.
10. You just told him he hurt your feelings and he wants to have sex.
But really, it doesn't matter how many signs there are. If you are not in a place where you know you don't deserve to be abused, you will not disconnect when you should. The only way you know you don't have the emotional abuse bug is when you take action immediately at the onset of the first sign...and say goodbye.
So I hereby declare that today is the last day of putting up with emotional abuse...of any kind. Dates, boyfriends, bosses, colleagues, friends. No more of that. Starting today, I will only let into my life those who can feel strong without having to put anyone else down--those who know they are fantastic as they are--weaknesses and strengths...and who want to share their lives with others like them.
If this at all resonates with you, I hope you vouch the same and join me on this path to change.
Yours truly,
Datingirl
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