Kerry from San Diego sent me an email with an important question. With her permission, I'm posting it here.
Dear DG,
I really enjoy reading your blog. I'm sure you get a lot of questions and but was hoping you'll answer mine. I'm 31 years old--for the past 5 months I've been dating a guy who is just turning 30. He's successful, professional, and just a nice guy. Everything feels perfect between us: we have amazing chemistry, we talk about everything, he is a total gentleman, and already is making plans for us for the new year. There's just one thing I'm not completely sure about--whenever I bring up family or kids (which I would like to have) he says he'd like them some day but not now. He is very close with his family so I can't imagine this being a problem, but it's definitely not a topic he likes to talk about right now. I don't want to end the relationship just because he's not ready to have kids, but I also don't want to waste my time on a guy who is not sure he wants the same thing as me.
Thank you,
Kerry
Well, Kerry--thanks for the question and for allowing me share it on Dateology.
Here's the thing. When we break down your question, there are basically two things you can do. One, you can trust how you feel and everything that's great between you two and keep going hoping that one day, the right time will come for your boyfriend to settle down--that taxi light will turn on--and he'll take one look at you and say "yes! this is what I want!" Or, two, you can decide here and now that family and kids are your top priority at this point in time and that you want to be with someone who's sure about wanting them too.
Neither of these options guarantee success and, in case it hasn't been clear--you, my dear, despite best efforts, are already involved. I really can't tell you what to do but, whatever decision you make, I think there are a few things you might want to keep in mind:
1. It needs to be a decision that allows you to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship. If you choose to stay, you must be able to completely forget the fact he's not ready for family yet (or ever) and focus only on the great chemistry and connection between you two. If you don't--if you keep worrying and nagging about the family and kids thing every week--you'll drive him away. Similarly, if you leave, you need to be 100% certain that it's the right thing and be completely positive that you'll meet someone else with whom you'll have just as "perfect" of a relationship. Otherwise, you'll spend the next five years wondering if you've made a mistake and that, as we both know, is a sure road to your personal hell.
2. You are 31. You are still young. You don't have to make a decision today, right now. The guy-- he's barely 30. If I haven't been clear--most American guys don't even bat the family eyelash until they're 35. Think of it as a sleeping gene. Or an ink cartridge you need to release from its vacuum seal before you can insert it in the tray. Until something hits him on the head, your great guys is simply not going to all of a sudden change. So most chances are, he can't even hear what you're saying and the more you push, the more you'll be hitting against a concrete wall and that's never very appealing. So take a deep breath and figure it's going to be 2-4 years in the wait. Can you do that?
3. There are no guarantees. Even if he says now that he wants kids some day, you first have to weather those few relationship storms and agree that you want to have kids with each other, right? Sure, some couples know instantaneously they're meant for one another--but most couples need a bit more time before making such life defining decisions.
Keeping all this in mind, my advice is that you take a deep breath and wait a bit. Focus on having a great time, get to know one another, explore all that's great, and ignore the long term discussion for now. This may be the guy for all you know--so let's first see how the relationship goes.
And, when you guys have had a chance to get to know one another a bit better and have developed trust and mutual respect, you could then ask him for advice on just how to deal with his sense of time when it comes to the question of family and kids.
Hope this helps, Kerry. Do let us know.
Yours truly,
Datingirl
