Three hundred and ninety six closed matches, thirteen closed communications, and three active matches under
above my belt, I feel I've pretty much got the gist of the eHarmony experience--at least from a girl's perspective. And guys, if I may--there are a few things you should know.
First, women probably close too many matches much too soon, simply because of your profile or pictures. Second, I'm here to tell you that it doesn't have to be this way. Really. So. In the next few posts I will be sharing with you my thoughts about what works and doesn't work in your eHarmony profiles. I mean, there's really no reason to have such terrible profiles. You MUST be better than that. Think about it: we all want you to be the most prefect YOU so that we can all get off this online dating thing and get busy dating YOU. Got it? Good. Here we go.
Lesson #1- Stand out of
the category
I wish you could see your profiles all in one place. If I could, I'd print them out and post them on a big wall someplace where you can all see them. You'd take one look and I bet you'd turn white. Even to the inexperienced eye, a disturbing trend will quickly appear. Gentleman, I truly regret to inform you, you guys have managed to fit most all of you into--drum roll--a neatly organized sum of 5 categories.FIVE.
Here's the basic breakdown:
1. The sports fanatic: these are guys that respond to each and every profile question eHarmony asks with some kind of a sports related answer: "I'm most passionate about football, baseball"..."what matters to me most if football and baseball"..."the people who mattered to me most are my baseball coach and my football team"...you get the point, right? I don't know if you think that's attractive or you want to let us know we won't be seeing you during playoffs--either way, when we look for a life partners, that's not the information we need to know or care about. You can love sports as much as you want--but can we please first get to know you as a person? There's got to be something other than ESPN viewing patterns you can share.
2. Close but different: The Physically Active: living in the Bay Area comes with a 90% guarantee you'll rate super high on physical activity level. Therefore, letting us know that yes, you are very fit and athletic is ok. Most of us prefer guys who take care of their bodies: we like your muscle definition, your tan bodies (but also that you wear sunscreen), that little white bar on the ridge of your nose from those biking Oakley's you wear. Having said that, please also remember that there's more to life than running, biking, swimming, and "being outdoors." And that the question "what can't you live without" wasn't there for you to answer with "nature, outdoors, biking, running." Honestly.
3. The Artist: There are two kinds of artists: the moody, depressed, emotional guy who posts multiple pictures in front of a dark mirror looking like Nick Cave in his worst blue era--or the happy, rock band type who just can't wait to show us a good time with his band. I love an artistic spirit. In fact, attention to style and aesthetics rank very high in my book, but at 30 something I'm not really looking to hear about your desire to take me out to the beach and play the guitar until dawn...nor am I interested in listening to Nick Cave CDs on your boombox. Sorry to be harsh--but don't you think we're past high-school now? Get a grip: you can be an artist and have a life. Now go change your profile.
4. The Workaholic: These are the guys who answer questions with answers that have to do with their job, making money, and organizing finances.
eHarmony: List 3 things you're most passionate about
Guy: "My work, making money, managing my staff."
eHarmony: List 5 strengths
Guy: "Organizing my finance, Planning ahead, Making money..."
Or something along those lines.
The good thing is that you have realized that many of us really want a reliable, solid, stable guy. At the same time, please keep in mind that most of us also want someone with a soul and a heartbeat--and these don't come on a balance sheet. Besides, we sort of want to hear you care about women--us--too and that you won't be in the office till the wee hours of the night. So being successful and accomplished is good--making it the only thing you think about--not.
5. The Spiritual Explorer/Yogi: I must admit this is my favorite worst category. Here you are, in your mid to late 30's (sometimes, eHarmony throws a curve ball and you're 56) and you are seeking enlightenment and awakening. You travel to India and go to Harbin on a regular basis. You have a guru you study with, you've relinquished all material attachments, and oh, by the way, you used to be an attorney but that was in another life. You have shaved your head (or are simply balding): it is a perfect shiny egg. You wear a white or a green t-shirt, you are always smiling a big smile, head tilted to the side, behind you a lush nature scene (Tibet?). And, of course, there's the obligatory picture of "me and my meditation group in Nepal."
I don't quite know what to advise you. Maybe just to say that enlightenment and spiritual awakening come in many forms and shapes--and that you may just find your Basheret right here on earth...if you just stayed here long enough.
There are also smaller categories... there's The Modern Jock: the category that gets me fuming the fastest...the I Have Nothing Meaningful to Say category...and of course the all-time favorite I Don't Know Why I'm Here category.
What we're looking for, dear online dating Dateologers, is someone who stands out. Someone who has the basic qualities a 30 something should but that isn't only this or that. Most women in their 30s have dated quite a few guys, they've had meaningful relationships, they broke some hearts and had their broken too. They know to look past the bullshit and the facade. By definition of our gender, we read between the lines, we look for what you're not saying, and we think twice of what you are saying.
So. How can you stand out?
First, fill out your profile for God sakes! You're given a
certain number of words--a space to tell us who you are. So don't just
put 3 words as an answer. We can't really tell anything from it. You're
wasting our time and yours. If you don't feel comfortable sharing more than "Water, Sun, Food, Air" about things that are important to you, maybe online dating isn't right for you to start with. Because you know, at some point, we'll be exchanging emails and maybe even meeting--which means, we'll need to have a conversation! How about we start with your profile?
Second, Instead of trying to sound "normal," try to just sound like you. With 30 plus years of life on this plant, you must have had some great experiences. What have you become? What's important to you? What have you seen that inspired you?
Third, don't take yourself so seriously. You know any pretense is going to fall apart anyway when we spend some time together. Use your sense of humor, be a goof, show us that you're human: you have some great things about you and also, like the rest of us, there's room for growth.
Fourth, if you must think of categories, think of them in terms of qualities. What are the top 3-5 qualities you have as a person? Are you thoughtful? Are you caring? Are you efficient? Use these to guide your answers and to show us who you are as a person.
Fifth, take a stand. If you're super flexible, don't also try to seem like you can be rigid. If you care about having kids, don't tic "maybe" next to that option. A great profile I read said "I'd really like to have kids of my own but I realize that statistically, at my age, I may encounter women who already do or that simply don't want to have children of their own...or any at all. That's ok. As long as we can talk about it, as long as we can make that decision together and we're a good match, we'll figure things out. I'd rather have the best partner and friend at my side than a mom to my kids." Crystal clear.
Sixth, use a nice set of pictures, please. No dolphins, no me-wearing-goggles-skiing-down-a-mountain, no me-during-prom-year pics. Lose the sunglasses, get close to the camera, take a natural pose and voila. If you must, must, must put up a bare torso--fine. Just make sure there are other pictures that also show the rest of you.
We can get into many more details on eHarmony profile do's and don'ts but how about we start with these? We really don't like hitting that Close button so many times.
Yours truly,
Datingirl
