Dateology

Getting out of our own (relationship) way: the case for letting nature lead the way?

It's an early evening at home. I make an arugula mint and pomegranate salad, sable fish in miso glaze over pine nut couscous, and land on the sofa to watch a movie.  I need something light, fun, entertaining. A dose of joy just for me.

What Happens in Vegas is playing on Comcast and seems like the perfect little number for tonight. Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz are two complete opposites riddled with personal baggage and lots of room for growth. Joy (Diaz), a perfect ensemble Wallstreet trader is dumped by her fiance during a surprise birthday she throws for him; Jack (Kutcher) is your typical not-a-marriage/husband-material loser who is fired by his very own father.  The two end up in Vegas to celebrate their respective failures and, after a wild and amusingly-captured night, end up in bed and married.

It's the same old story but with a twist--as they finish a yelling match at the hotel lobby agreeing it was a drunken mistake, Jack inserts a quarter Joy had given him, and wins a $3,000,000 jackpot. Unable to agree on division of the money, they face a judge who, instead of granting them an annulment, sends them to 6 months of "Hard Marriage"--forcing them to live together and attend weekly marriage counseling.

You can probably guess the rest (it is a Hollywood production, after all)--after weeks of creatively torturous attempts to throw the other out of the game--including befriending the family (Joy), taking down the bathroom door (Jack), peeing in the sink (also Jack)--the two fall in love for real. They find compassion and care and a true desire to be with one another. Their marriage counselor (the sharp, and on perfect comedic timing, Queen Latifa) testifies on the stand that while they each have serious issues they should work on--"as a couple, they're perfect for one another--go figure. They're the real thing."

It's not a new concept, you know. Arranged marriages have existed since the beginning of wo/mankind. They're still practiced in some cultures. But we, modern, sophisticated, successful Westerners often look down at them. Perhaps, I propose, it's not as bad as it seems. Perhaps, with some modifications, it can actually work?  Forget the cerebral processing of it all, forget the checklists, the 'shoulds'--why not let pre-evolution nature dictate the way instead?

Simply find two people who are attracted to one another, get them drunk, let them have crazy wild (safe) sex, then lock them in a commitment and let them fight and roll in one another's baggage and dirty socks. If at the end of 4 months it's no-go, set them free and bring the next one in. My guess is, we'd be surprised by how much we can actually make things work when we have to.

I know it may sound a bit unconventional, but think about it. Past college and its structured environment where we get to know people well, physical attraction is the thing that gets us together in the first place. It's nature's glue. Maybe, just maybe--that's a good enough of a start. Maybe nature knows better than us. Maybe by forcing us to deal with one another's crap--and by extension--with our own, we pave a passage into dealing with ourselves: no running away, no escaping, no hiding our flaws and pretense. It's all there--right in our face.

True, it can get pretty brutal: the older we get the more accustomed we become to hiding our flaws. We say things that aren't always true, we project on others, and--when all else fails, we always have the option to say "you know--I'm out." And just like that the light switch goes off.  Problem is, we often fail to realize that the escape is not from the other but rather, from ourselves.  As time passes, the only way to remain on top is to simply not get involved in meaningful relationships. Reminds you of anyone you know? Sure does to me.

I don't think any of us is willing to trade our modern lives or freedom of choice--but perhaps we can stick around a little longer the next time we get ready to bolt. That one night stand, that short lived flirt--maybe these are the real beginnings...if we could only live with ourselves as we stand naked in front of the mirror the next day and not put on a coat and run for the door.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Lessons from eHarmony for guys: #2- Be Honest

I'm amazed at people who think they can hide who they are on eHarmony. I'm sure it is true for both genders (my guy dateology readers can confirm or correct) but it's just mind-blowing what guys think they can get away with sometimes.

Brian from San Francisco wrote he's 6'1". But one look at his pictures and I can tell there's no way he's a hair above 5'9". He wants to communicate via Fast Track. Fine- works for me. After a few "how are you's," and the mandatory "so how do you like eHarmony so far," I email him: "Are you really 6'1"? A few convoluted communications later (in which he chastises women who care about height), he reveals he's 5'8". And a half!. Seriously, Brian. Did you really think you'd grow a couple of inches by the time we met?  I say thank you and Close.

Adam from Oakland has a super nice profile. I like how he thinks and what he writes. We go out a couple of times. On our first date he constantly reach and touch his stomach with his hand--I'm guessing nerves. But on the second date, he is still doing that--even while driving. Finally I ask him if everything is okay. Apparently he has a serious medical condition and he has to activate a pump that shoots some kind of meds into his abdomen. When  was he planning on telling me, I ask, "when we're married?" he replies. Close.

But I'm giving you extreme examples perhaps. There are also the run of the mill examples I'm sure you've all encountered. They've become more like white lies: there are the pictures from years gone, or the ones with the cropped out soon-to-be ex-wife (which wasn't a detail on the profile); there are the guys who actually want only a Catholic girl, or those who are over their ex-girlfriend ("really!") but still talk about her within the first few minutes of a conversation. I'm sure you have your examples too.

Bottom line is that Online dating is difficult as it is. Your mom would never let you go out with a total stranger you met online. You have to trust that the other person is real, that what they say is true--you sort of put your faith in people's intentions and hope that you both share the same purpose.

So think carefully about what you say and how you present yourself. I don't know about my female Dateologers--but to me, honesty and integrity rank just as high as 'has a heartbeat' when "till death do us part" is concerned. Besides, we're bound to find out all the mismatches soon enough--which would send you straight down from wherever you were to a disappointment laden square one. Why not start from a place of empowerment and build it from there?  We'll all encounter people who won't be a good fit--by twisting the facts you're only prolonging--but not eliminating--that moment of truth.

So how can you communicate honesty? Here are a few starter points:

Write a great profile: This is your admission ticket. Don't just put those silly bullet points--go all the way out and be funny and kind and thoughtful. Show us your heart, let us into your mind, and trust that we're going to see you through the words. More on how to stand out in your profile here.

Put up a representative picture: We're going to find out what you look like sooner or later, aren't we? If you must, don't share it until later--we found the "ask for picture" button just as quickly as you did.

Strategize what information you're sharing: It's always better to under-promise and over-deliver. There's nothing like saying "I loved his profile but his pictures are so-so" and then discover that not only your mind rocks but that you look descent too.

If you are dealing with a serious issue, it's ok to let us know: One guy's profile said he was just getting over his dad's passing. It a short sentence, he said what he missed most about him, and then moved on.  I'm not saying to give us a sob story--just to touch on the real you, right now, in this world.

Have fun with who you are: Seriously, if you're in your 30's and on eHarmony--life has to be at least a little amusing. Stop taking yourself so seriously--laugh a little; tell us a good story, talk about the goof in you (we like that)! It's important to build credibility and demonstrate you're a serious guy but at the same time, we already know you're not perfect, so why waste time?

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Brooke wants to know: how to get more? A Datingirl advice on The Chase and on how to play Iguana

Brooke has a situation on her hands as you can see in the comments section. Since there's more to say than would fit in the comment box, I'm pulling it up. Hope it's ok, Brooke.

So here's the thing Brooke. In essence, if I got this right, you met a guy with whom you have a great connection. You're both physically attracted to one another, you've been spending time together and feel very comfortable. At the same time, there's no progress or momentum building up. At least not yet. Is that right?

He could be a really nice guy. He texted you and asked to see you again after the first "sleepover." The fact he wasn't pushing for sex is also a good sign. At the same time, it doesn't sound like there's much momentum building. It's sort of there. Which means, in all likelihood, the message the guy's hearing is "I can have her if I wanted" which translates to: there's no real chase. I'm guessing the guy is young...under 35. And, unfortunately, I'm guessing the chase is still in his coding. It's sort of like a lion in the wild. If he knows he's going to get the Iguana for dinner anyway, why get up from under the warm sun?  You see, by knowing the outcome, you've taken away any chance of making the guy feel like a winner, a hero, a conqueror. Which means, in most cases, it's going to be really tough to get him interested in much more. Dinner is served.

Then again, this might be a different story. On your side is your confidence and ease with which you behave. Your comfort level is your strength. It doesn't sound like you're needy with him or that you initiated "the talk" yet. Never, Brooke, never initiate "the talk."

But now to the real question: It's clear you two have great physical chemistry...are you interested in more? Are you interested in dating him? Is he boyfriend material? 

If you are, it's time to shape up girl. I hate to say it--but with guys who need to chase--you need to play as well. Me lion--you Iguana. Be the iguana, Brooke. Then, when they think you're both playing the same game, when you're exactly in sync, lead in a different direction. Capiche?

Here's what it might mean:

Next time he calls tell him you're unavailable (I can't believe I'm giving this advice!); tell him that you've made other plans. Tell him you'd love to see him another date and give him a concrete option: "how about Sunday instead..." By the way, don't pretend you're unavailable--schedule plans with a friend. Even if you have to schedule them after he calls. Just go out and have fun--be yourself--your happiness (and business) will magically occupy his mind for at least a couple of hours. It's energy. Trust me.

When you do make plans, offer to do things that don't involve your bedroom or the sofa. Go hiking, go to a movie, have dinner together. If he says no, you should know at that very moment he's not interested in dating you and you can make a more informed decision about spending more time with him.

Next time you see him, talk about things that don't involve this--this relationship--the two of you. There's a big world out there. Get to know him. Ask a few questions. Pay attention to the conversation: If he asks back--that's great--it suggests mutual interest. If he doesn't, you might need to help him grow interest. Start making statements about yourself rather than asking him any more questions. Tell him something interesting about you. Guys can be self-centered and childish--they often like conversations to center around them and all that they've accomplished. It's a comfort thing.  So when he finally asks meaningful questions about you, your past, your life, you can reward him with a question about him again. Conversation 101 for men. He'll thank you in the end.

Let him know you're having a good time but don't talk about the future just yet. Not even about next week. Seriously, I've learned (the hard way) that once you start talking future with guys at early stages of relationships it's like pouring a big bucket of water on a candle. Immediately out. You can say you had a good time...you can say it was nice spending the afternoon with him--but then let him be the one who figures out he wants to see you again.

Chase guys need to work at it. Their brains work differently. It takes realizing that they're missing on something before they get their act together. Remember that lion? Unless he starts to feel hunger pains in his stomach and sees the empty vista in front of him, he's never going to get up.

Finally, there was a rather mediocre movie (name cannot recall) a few years back with a brilliant line about friendship.  'Never be friends,' says the main character. 'Getting out of the friendship zone is like getting shit off the sole of your shoe.'

Hope this helps, Brooke. Let us know.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Lessons from eHarmony for guys: #1- Stand Out

Three hundred and ninety six closed matches, thirteen closed communications, and three active matches under above my belt, I feel I've pretty much got the gist of the eHarmony experience--at least from a girl's perspective. And guys, if I may--there are a few things you should know.

First, women probably close too many matches much too soon, simply because of your profile or pictures. Second, I'm here to tell you that it doesn't have to be this way. Really. So. In the next few posts I will be sharing with you my thoughts about what works and doesn't work in your eHarmony profiles. I mean, there's really no reason to have such terrible profiles. You MUST be better than that. Think about it: we all want you to be the most prefect YOU so that we can all get off this online dating thing and get busy dating YOU. Got it? Good. Here we go.

Lesson #1- Stand out of the category

I wish you could see your profiles all in one place. If I could, I'd print them out and post them on a big wall someplace where you can all see them. You'd take one look and I bet you'd turn white. Even to the inexperienced eye, a disturbing trend will quickly appear. Gentleman, I truly regret to inform you, you guys have managed to fit most all of you into--drum roll--a neatly organized sum of 5 categories.FIVE.

Here's the basic breakdown:

1. The sports fanatic: these are guys that respond to each and every profile question eHarmony asks with some kind of a sports related answer: "I'm most passionate about football, baseball"..."what matters to me most if football and baseball"..."the people who mattered to me most are my baseball coach and my football team"...you get the point, right? I don't know if you think that's attractive or you want to let us know we won't be seeing you during playoffs--either way, when we look for a life partners, that's not the information we need to know or care about. You can love sports as much as you want--but can we please first get to know you as a person? There's got to be something other than ESPN viewing patterns you can share.

2. Close but different: The Physically Active: living in the Bay Area comes with a 90% guarantee you'll rate super high on physical activity level.  Therefore, letting us know that yes, you are very fit and athletic is ok. Most of us prefer guys who take care of their bodies: we like your muscle definition, your tan bodies (but also that you wear sunscreen), that little white bar on the ridge of your nose from those biking Oakley's you wear. Having said that, please also remember that there's more to life than running, biking, swimming, and "being outdoors." And that the question "what can't you live without" wasn't there for you to answer with "nature, outdoors, biking, running." Honestly.

3. The Artist: There are two kinds of artists: the moody, depressed, emotional guy who posts multiple pictures in front of a dark mirror looking like Nick Cave in his worst blue era--or the happy, rock band type who just can't wait to show us a good time with his band.  I love an artistic spirit. In fact, attention to style and aesthetics rank very high in my book, but at 30 something I'm not really looking to hear about your desire to take me out to the beach and play the guitar until dawn...nor am I interested in listening to Nick Cave CDs on your boombox. Sorry to be harsh--but don't you think we're past high-school now? Get a grip:  you can be an artist and have a life. Now go change your profile.

4. The Workaholic: These are the guys who answer questions with answers that have to do with their job, making money, and organizing finances.
eHarmony: List 3 things you're most passionate about
Guy: "My work, making money, managing my staff."
eHarmony: List 5 strengths
Guy: "Organizing my finance, Planning ahead, Making money..."
Or something along those lines.
The good thing is that you have realized that many of us really want a reliable, solid, stable guy. At the same time, please keep in mind that most of us also want someone with a soul and a heartbeat--and these don't come on a balance sheet. Besides, we sort of want to hear you care about women--us--too and that you won't be in the office till the wee hours of the night. So being successful and accomplished is good--making it the only thing you think about--not. 

5. The Spiritual Explorer/Yogi: I must admit this is my favorite worst category. Here you are, in your mid to late 30's (sometimes, eHarmony throws a curve ball and you're 56) and you are seeking enlightenment and awakening. You travel to India and go to Harbin on a regular basis. You have a guru you study with, you've relinquished all material attachments, and oh, by the way, you used to be an attorney but that was in another life.  You have shaved your head (or are simply balding): it is a perfect shiny egg. You wear a white or a green t-shirt, you are always smiling a big smile, head tilted to the side, behind you a lush nature scene (Tibet?). And, of course, there's the obligatory picture of "me and my meditation group in Nepal."
I don't quite know what to advise you. Maybe just to say that enlightenment and spiritual awakening come in many forms and shapes--and that you may just find your Basheret right here on earth...if you just stayed here long enough.

There are also smaller categories... there's The Modern Jock: the category that gets me fuming the fastest...the I Have Nothing Meaningful to Say category...and of course the all-time favorite I Don't Know Why I'm Here category.

What we're looking for, dear online dating Dateologers, is someone who stands out. Someone who has the basic qualities a 30 something should but that isn't only this or that. Most women in their 30s have dated quite a few guys, they've had meaningful relationships, they broke some hearts and had their broken too. They know to look past the bullshit and the facade. By definition of our gender, we read between the lines, we look for what you're not saying, and we think twice of what you are saying.

So. How can you stand out?

First, fill out your profile for God sakes!  You're given a certain number of words--a space to tell us who you are. So don't just put 3 words as an answer. We can't really tell anything from it. You're wasting our time and yours. If you don't feel comfortable sharing more than "Water, Sun, Food, Air" about things that are important to you, maybe online dating isn't right for you to start with. Because you know, at some point, we'll be exchanging emails and maybe even meeting--which means, we'll need to have a conversation! How about we start with your profile?

Second, Instead of trying to sound "normal," try to just sound like you. With 30 plus years of life on this plant, you must have had some great experiences. What have you become? What's important to you? What have you seen that inspired you?

Third, don't take yourself so seriously. You know any pretense is going to fall apart anyway when we spend some time together. Use your sense of humor, be a goof, show us that you're human: you have some great things about you and also, like the rest of us, there's room for growth.

Fourth, if you must think of categories, think of them in terms of qualities. What are the top 3-5 qualities you have as a person? Are you thoughtful? Are you caring? Are you efficient? Use these to guide your answers and to show us who you are as a person.

Fifth, take a stand. If you're super flexible, don't also try to seem like you can be rigid. If you care about having kids, don't tic "maybe" next to that option. A great profile I read said "I'd really like to have kids of my own but I realize that statistically, at my age, I may encounter women who already do or that simply don't want to have children of their own...or any at all. That's ok. As long as we can talk about it, as long as we can make that decision together and we're a good match, we'll figure things out. I'd rather have the best partner and friend at my side than a mom to my kids." Crystal clear.

Sixth, use a nice set of pictures, please. No dolphins, no me-wearing-goggles-skiing-down-a-mountain, no me-during-prom-year pics. Lose the sunglasses, get close to the camera, take a natural pose and voila. If you must, must, must put up a bare torso--fine. Just make sure there are other pictures that also show the rest of you. 

We can get into many more details on eHarmony profile do's and don'ts but how about we start with these?   We really don't like hitting that Close button so many times.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

The Chase- what men don't understand and women don't remember

The Chase. The Pursuit. Whatever you call it--it has been on the minds of men, women and psychologists for ages as a key ingredient in pre-relationship attraction. I wrote a post a while back about the biological and psychological theories of attraction. Since then many more have attempted to explain what triggers attraction and more importantly (and somewhat absurdly)--how to manufacture attraction. Regardless of your choice of theory, they all point to the chase (the pursuit, the hunt!) as a necessary element in early stages of interest.

Women often think the chase is a game we must play. To some degree, while we may enjoy the attention, we also think the chase is unnecessary. A good guy, the right guy, we say to ourselves, will be someone we recognize. He won't need to chase after us. There will be an immediate attraction and- voila! Two kids and a dog later, we live happily ever after.

After talking to a few of my guy (and girl) friends it is clear that despite what men might tell us and what we might think, men really want to--nay, need to--pursue a woman. They need to feel they have worked hard to get what they have. That they are deserving. And that they did something someone else wasn't able to. They need to see themselves as heroes who conquer allusive targets, break down concrete walls, cross oceans and walk through fire--never getting hurt, looking just as good (if not better) as before they embark on their quest.

To the average man, this pursuit, in basic terms, seems to be centered around getting under a woman's skirt. Once there, most men consider their pursuit a mission accomplished. And so, much of the courting, dating, and how-to-get-your-man 'literature' for women has centered around not letting a man in, not being available, not showing who you are until much later in the game. 'Once he has had you, you're damaged goods,' suggest the gossip magazines (and my dad, for that matter).

It's not that I'm in a hurry to sleep with a guy but seriously--do people really think that that's where the pursuit ends?

Think about it. After a certain age, getting to the sex part is easy. We're all adults. We've done it before. It can be fun. We'll do it again. Sex, my dear Dateologers, isn't the end of the pursuit...it's just the beginning. I'm here to tell you that it's not getting to sex, but what comes after the sex part that's the real thing. That is the thing that takes real skill. Forget gameboy, Xbox, Wii--they're for children. Getting past the sex is a whole new level. It requires concentration on all fronts and ability to deal with surprises at every corner. No hints or guidebook included.

See, up until the sex part, both men and women are focused on the feelings that each bubbles in the other. Men think about sex, and women--well, they do too...but they also think about what their friends will say, how their parents will react, how you compare to the ex-boyfriend, etc.  You see- once a women slept with you, almost instantaneously, she starts to think of you in terms of potential. As you're calming your breath on the other side of the bed from all those maneuvers we pulled on you, we're thinking to ourselves "is this the sex I want to have for the rest of my life?"  We pay attention to details that until that point we (blissfully for you) haven't: "is he getting me a glass of water or one just for himself?" "Is that so thoughtful the way he just handed me a tissue or what."  It's true. All true.

Just like you guys couldn't stop imagining us naked, we can't stop looking at you as a life partner. See, as long as you hold off, we'll cut you huge slack. Yes- we're still assessing and judging and pondering your husband-material viability but, once in bed--once you got what you thought you wanted--the gloves come of and it's our turn. And as most of you know, once you get us thinking and asking questions, your hero status can quickly disappear and voila--there you are in flesh and blood. A man. A mere mortal. Sex, in a way, is the button that starts the very same chain reaction most men try to avoid.  If you only knew it.

But you do have a saving grace. Most women, you see, don't remember how much power they actually have. They think that once they have sex with you they will have relinquished all control. That you'll think less of them. That once you get what you want you'll be out. And sometimes you both believe this story and then you are gone. And we get insecure and sometimes bitter and we call our girlfriends and eat ice cream in front of the TV. Or something like that.

The chase, and the conclusion thereof (read: sex), is an essential attraction builder it seems. And while both men and women claim the other has the power, one thing is clear: just as you guys think the hunt is over and you've got us under your paw,  we already start to think about the next thing: you as a person in a relationship with us. And although the hunt may be instantly done after sex, the real conversation, you see, has just begun.

Happy hunting!

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Best dinner date spots in San Francisco

I figured, since it seems I've jumped back into the dating pool after a lengthy stay on dry land (with a minor interruption in what seemed like potentially a real one but, nope--so far from) I might as well write about all the cool dating places I'm discovering. After all, you can't just feed the heart on first or second dates--there's the stomach andthe eyes.  Alore. Here goes:

1. Cavallo Point--the new Cavallo Point is just 5-7 minute drive north over the bridge in Fort Baker, nestled in the Marin Headlands. The restaurant is part of a lodge/retreat facilities recently developed in the area. The restaurant--Murray Circle--is warm yet minimalistic. The menu is exquisite and featured lots of fish and seafood selections with some quality meet options. Not much for vegetarians, I should warn. The service is personal yet very professional. On my last visit, as we were driving down the narrow windy road leading to Cavallo Point we were greeted by a deer--dozens of them--dining on the surrounding grass. To say it was lovely doesn't not do it justice.

2. Kokkari--Warm, open, leathery, sexy--the bar and restaurant at Kokkari provide some of the best ambiance for a date. The food is quite delightful too: glistening Greek tapas, large fresh catch plates, and great drinks. The word sensual comes to mind. The staff is super nice and very accommodating. Need a corner table? An extra chair at the bar? No problem. Just ask Robin or anyone else at the front and they'll do their absolute best to help you out.

3. Beretta--Large black lacquered family table takes up the center space at this long and warmly lit Mission spot. Tall tables line its walls. Choose this place if you're not too hungry and want to 'hang out' getting to know each other. Share a think crust pizza, warm olives, large selection of Antipasti or any of the Italian cuisine inspired dishes while sipping on some chic and creative drinks from the bar.

4. Medjool--Still a favorite after all those years. Featuring North African, Southern European and Mediterranean delights like chicken with pomegranate and pine nuts, Tunesean tagin, grilled figs, and Sumac dusted calamari, warm the palette while one of the best Mojitos in town swirl your head. To truly enjoy all that Medjool has to offer, go during the week and make sure you plan ahead to give yourself enough time to go to the roof and overlook the city. On a warm day--go early and have your first drink there. Red sunsets included.

5. Aqua--Voted one of the best 100 restaurants in California, Aqua is an upscale, up-priced seafood restaurant that solidly delivers to its reputation. Unique visual creations, richly layered textures, superb service. The Thomas Crown Affair track which plays on its website is a perfect capture of the Aqua experience.
I usually don't recommend Aqua for a first date, but recently my whole outlook on upscale restaurants has changed: if you're truly comfortable in your skin, you'd make even the stuffiest restaurant (which Aqua is not) your home. It's a challenge in a way. One that I take on with delight.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

The words every girl wants to hear from a guy...not.

It's 9pm and I'm just back from an unexpected field trip.
To Nap. Yup. To Napa.

Around 4pm my phone rings. It's Katy.
"Hi, what's going on?" I ask. "And where are you?"
"At Starbucks." She says. There's a pause. I can tell something is wrong.
"Uhm..." she hesitates. "I have a huge favor to ask." Pause again.
"Sure. Anything."
"Can you come get me?"
"What? Sure, but. What?!?" I'm so unprepared for this.
"He's a total jerk, DG." She says, part laughing part crying.
"What happened, Katy?"
"Just come get me?" She asks.
"Sure. I'm on my way. Text me your location. It'll take me a while with traffic and all."
"I'm not moving anywhere." She says. "I'll be here."

Here's the short version, dear Dateologers:

Last night, after fighting him off on every front--Katy decided it was too exhausting, that they were adults, and since he liked her so much and was already talking marriage, kids, traveling to meet her parents over Christmas, etc.--it would be ok to give in a little more than she had intended. They kissed and made out. She thought it was nice and romantic; John thought she wasn't really into it. So they ended up heavily entangled, passionately kissing on the floor. He complained that they were on the floor and not in bed. They ended up on the bed. He complained that they were over the covers and not under--they got under the cover. It went on like this the whole evening. You get the picture.

It is still unclear to me just how far they went--but regardless--far enough for Katy. Around 2am he said she'd better head back to her room.
"You want me to leave?"  She asked.
"Well, I snore. I don't want to wake you up."
Since he'd been talking the whole week about falling asleep together, she said "I'd rather stay with you, John. It would be nice."
"How about I just go and crash on the sofa in the entry room." Said he.

Katy, telling herself that it wasn't a big deal, stayed in the bed while he was in the other room. She  woke up a couple of hours later and couldn't fall asleep again.

"I just felt so strange and alone." She said. "And I was cold."  So she got her clothes on and was getting ready to go to her own room when John woke up.

"Where are you going?" He asked.
"To my room." She said and hugged him.
"Don't go." He said. "Stay here."
"But you're not here so what's the point?"
"I just didn't want to keep you up. I wanted to let you sleep. That's all it was. I'll come to bed with you if you want."
So Katy went back to bed and curled up to him.
"It was actually really nice" She said with a tired smile. "He was warm and it felt good. He's sort of bear-like in the way he wraps himself around you."
"You mean you." I correct her.
"Anyway," she says, "he wanted me to take off my pants."
I look at her.
"It wasn't the clothes..."she says. "I was cold, confused, in a strange place. I didn't want to take off anything just yet. But he kept tugging. I told him I didn't want to. To give me a few minutes, but he kept wanting me naked beside him."
"A typical guy?" I ask, trying to make the mood lift a bit. She's not amused.
"So I said to him--is sex really all you want from me?!?"
I chuckle. Good one.
"And then," she says sadly. "And then--he said I was high maintenance, an asshole and a jerk."
"Wait what? He said what?"
"He said 'you're such an asshole. You're such a jerk'!"
"While you were in bed? Together?" I ask
"Yes." She says. "After we had just been physically intimate. After I was getting ready to leave and he got me to stay."
"Did you slap him?" I'm laughing but really, I'm a bit in shock.
"No." She says. "I got out of bed and went to my room. Seriously--how can I sleep next to someone who just called me that?  He didn't like it. I told him we'll talk in the morning. But, we never did."
"What do you mean? You didn't see him?"
"I did over lunch. I tried to talk with him. He texted me from the other side of the dining hall. Stupid things. Unrelated. Wanted to know if I had my itsy-bitsy bikini on."
"Your what?"
"Then when I texted him back that we should talk, he basically turned around and wouldn't talk to me. He texted once more to say he can tell I've written him off."
"And had you?"
"Not at that point...I tried to tell him we need to talk. That I couldn't text for 3 hours like we did one night he didn't show for our date." 
"Did I know about that?" I search my mind.
"Probably not." She says. "Anyway, that's when I called you."

So there you have it, Dateologers. It seems that this was all about the pursuit. About John getting his way. It's a bit surprising because he seemed like such a solid guy at first--albeit a bit obsessed with Katy. For three whole weeks he pushed and pushed and pushed and when Katy gave in and there was nothing to push against, he just fell into the empty space--unable to handle the very thing he wanted. Having Katy.  Regardless of what it is that pains this guy, there's just not excuse in my mind for calling a woman "asshole" and a "jerk" right after she had been intimate with him. It's freaky and immature.

It reminds me of my first boyfriend. We were so passionate about one another but didn't know how to channel our feelings into words. We called each other names when we were upset instead of talking. We closed off instead of letting the other see us in our vulnerability. The more upset we got the smaller our vocabulary got. But no matter what, we always felt bad when we hurt the other person. There was always the midnight phone call, the apology email, the makeup makeout.

John, it seems, hasn't learned the power of caring. Or maybe he just simply does not care. He doesn't know how to be in two; how to develop emotional intimacy. It's about the chase, the pursuit, the conquest. He is like a child who always gets new toys and never has to share; a man who never lost a loved one--but who hasn't found himself yet either. He is in an ongoing race against himself. There's no winning in these races as you know. It's a vicious cycle that leads to nowhere.

Katy understands that and knows he is not the right one for her after all. And she's okay with that. But I also know she is sad and disappointed--not so much about John but mostly that this dream that started to take form is there no more. There wasn't really an amazing guy pursuing her; there wasn't really a man who wanted to have kids with her. There wasn't someone who would do anything for the right woman. Someone to spend Christmas with this year. Someone who saw in her his other half and in whom she started to see hers. It was all an illusion. A bubble that popped. Turned into air at the very tiny sign of distress.

I do hope this isn't the norm. That there are guys out there who are able to build relationships, to fall head over heels, to take risks, to know how to express themselves without hurting, to care, to love,  to make things okay in the end, to build a dream. Guys who recognize the impact of their actions on others, who know they aren't alone in this world. And most of all, I really hope this is not a sign of things to come but rather, a gentle reminder of all things gone...

Yours truly,

Datingirl

First words from Katy

Katy's SMS (accompanied by a "blup") just came in: "Hi. It's me. Help. He's starting to be a real pain."

Me: "???"

Katy: "Won't get his hands off me. Annoying."

Me: "Tell him to slow down."

...

...

...

Katy: "Sorry. Just tired. Fighting him off all day on each and every topic. Bulldozer."

Me: "Try to have fun. Pretend you're letting him win on most topics. Not on your pants."

Katy: ":-)"

Me: "Call me if you need."

Katy: "Thx. Should be fine. He needs to do some work now. I'm saved. Going to sleep."

Me: ":-)"

Katy: ":-)"

eHarmony date #3- Mark

It was really a silly day for a date. I woke up this morning with a full-on cold. Scratchy throat, gargling cough. Yuck. I was thinking of canceling but didn't. Get this over with, I thought. If it's great, it'll be great. If not--oh well.

It was easy to recognize Mark from his eHarmony pictures. A good sign--none of those silly me-with-a-dolphin-in-the-water, me-in-a-tux, this-is-what-I-looked-like-8-years-ago pictures.  He is tall, fair, has striking blue eyes and a generous smile tamed by a slightly self-conscious shoulders. He sits straight in his chairs- head propped tall as if he took Ms. Sherman's Etiquette for Young Men class.

We're having a comfortable conversation. I'm keeping the conversation topics light. He follows with ease.  He talks about work--what he does, what the company does, etc. Then about his pro athletics background. Somewhere along the way, the conversation seems to turn into a monologue about his accomplishments. His Ivy league school background, how much money he has made in investments (Tabaco (!!!)). I'm starting to feel like I've just been plopped into a job interviewer position without having planned on it. Maybe he's just nervous. Guys often seem to feel the need to impress their dates. I try to change the subject.
"So what do you do for fun?"
"I hike, bike, run, do marathons...I swim for an hour every day. Freestyle. After this," he points towards a nearby gym, "I'm going for a swim!"
"Oh good. That's a good day for it."
"Yeah..." he says and fishes for something in his backpack. "Look!" he says as he pulls out a Speedo's swim briefs.
I want to tell him to put it away but I brace myself. I've become very good at seeming unaffected but all I can think about is that this must be what a guy feels like when a girl pulls out her skin tone t-shirt bra from her bag.
"Very nice." I say. "These are nice."
"Oh- I'm just fishing for compliments," he smiles.

"So you'll send me your info?" he asks as we part.
"Sure..." I say and hope my eyes don't betray my hesitance.
"Because you know, communicating through eHarmony makes it really tough to send direct emails." 
Yes. I get that.

And with that he turns left, I turn right and on we go.

Yours truly,

Datingirl

Last call before falling in love...

Before Katy leaves on her little romantic getaway with John ("It's not romantic!!! She yells at me. "It's a conference!!!") I call to check that she has really thought through this.

"Are you sure you want to spend two whole days with a guy you've known for 3 weeks?"
She laughs on the other end of the line.
"It's just two days!" she says in her 'relax it's ok' voice. "He'll be busy, we'll only get to spend time in the evenings--it should be fine. Besides," she adds, "we'll have separate rooms."
"What's the point in that?" I ask her. And how long will that hold, I wonder.
"It will give me an opportunity to get to know him. Really know him," she says. "We'll be driving across the bridge, through the wine country--lots of time for conversation. And I'll get to see him both in work and personal modes."

Getting to know John has been a bit of an issue. He is super busy and when in town, he tries to cram a lot of Katy into his schedule. The rest, they've been doing over SMS. Over 750 of them in the last week alone.

"He won't leave me alone!" She said on the the first week after he started texting her. At that time she was still unsure of her interest. John's travel schedule, the demands of his work, perhaps his looks, and a certain reputation he has 'gained' with the ladies--all lowered Katy's enthusiasm. But there was something in the way he courted after her, in how he made her laugh, in how sure he was, that kept her interested.

If at first she was amused and skeptical of his declarations ("I'm going to pursue you relentlessly until you either marry me or tell me to go away" and "when can we start having kids?  now?  how'bout now?") she soon started to play along ("a boy or a girl to start?" him: "I don't care--as long as they look exactly like their mother"). By the third week she had on that silly smile we all know so well.
"Maybe he is the one." she said "Is that possible? To fall for someone you barely know?"
I look at her sideways. Since when are we talking about being in love? Is this the same guy she said she would never date?
"Hypothetically speaking..." she corrects.
"Right."

With 15 minutes to go before John picks her up, Katy and I agree that she should give this trip a try. She has been wanting to get to know him--his person--better before falling for him fully.
"You know how I get when I'm in love..." she says and sounds a sigh and I know she's referring to her last boyfriend--a guy who was so good at sweeping her off her feet early on that she missed all the obvious signs for how wrong he was for her.
"Yes. I know. I don't tell her this, but there's something magical about being in your mid 30's and still able to fall head over heels for someone.

"Alright," I tell her. "Get ready, prepare to have fun, be yourself--don't let him push you into anything you don't want to do, stay in your room, lock the doors at night, come back and tell me he was a perfect gentleman and that you really got to know him better."

"Yes mom" she giggles.
"Bye Katy."
"Bye."